The beginning of the end

       Today was my last first day as an undergraduate. It feels so weird. Last semester I had made many friends from being a group leader. I thought we would all stay close friends because we all shared so much of our lives together. My boyfriend kept telling me it was just a class and it would all end when the semester was over. I kept telling him he was wrong and that I made true bonds with these people. My boyfriend was right. We all hardly talk and when we do talk it is all small talk. We all make plans to hangout and everyone cancels the day of. It sucks that I don't have these close bonds this semester. It really makes me sad.
       There are times I really feel alone and that's ok. I will learn to be independent. Maybe I will learn to not care.
        I really think it's time to see a therapist again.

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Optimistic

I am going to force myself to be happier. By just smiling etc... Will force Me to eventually trick myself that I am happy. I will be happy! I will smile! I will lose weight for my health not because I think I will be more beautiful. I just really need to focus on the good. I just need to let all the bad go.

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Dear Uncle Chu,

Hearing your voice was so bittersweet. I find myself crying but also so happy to hear your voice. I think I will listen to your recording every night. Whenever I watch the Arrow I think of you because I watched random episodes with you. I haven't watched Merlin since you passed because I watched a lot of episodes with you. I wish you could have been able to see the Flash it's even better than Arrow! I am so thankful for your kindness! You always helped me and forced me to take care of my car ! I'm in a safe car now! You always would tell me you saw boys carrying my books and it would make me laugh so much. You always made sure I had gas in my car. You were just such a caring person. I think you visited me in my dreams a few weeks ago! It was so nice seeing you! I hope you are looking out for me from heaven. Now I will be able to hear your actual voice and remember it clearly! I love and miss you terribly !

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Fml

I am sorry blogger I have been complaining a lot but I am not in a good place emotionally. My room is too fucken small nothing fits. I know I at least have a room but omg !!! I also feel so stressed about so many things I can't even deal with life right now. I just can't ! I'm trying to be positive and it's so fucken difficult ugh! I just wish I could be happier. I really need to reevaluate all aspects of my life.

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Sometimes your best isn't good enough

Sometimes no matter how hard you try it isn't enough for some people. They say they want one thing from you and you do it and they still get angry because it wasn't done at a time that they wanted. You could have done it too early or too later. Sometimes no matter what you do it is not appreciated. It's sad that a lot of times the little things you do for people go unnoticed. People only pay attention when you spend a lot of money on them. Sometimes even then people are not grateful.

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Misunderstood

It sucks when someone basically hates everything about you. When you say something because you care and people take it the wrong way. It is so frustrating and stressful. This environment is not helping me at all. I constantly feel on edge. I do not like this at all. I feel so misunderstood.

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Lately

I have really been having a hard time with my weight.  I do not even like looking at myself in the mirror it is really frustrating. I know my family loves me but whenever they see me they say things like "you would be so pretty if you lost weight".  I have also heard that I should throw up and then starve myself for a week to lose weight. I also have someone who constantly points out that I gained weight and that they like how I used to look. It is really overwhelming. Sometimes I feel so stressed out that I end up feeling nauseous. Other days I give up and just eat an entire bag of chips. I have been trying to be healthier but it's hard. It is really hard though when most of my healthy foods disappear. I just feel really stressed and frustrated.

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